Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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