My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize