god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
