so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
