Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
