I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
