Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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