My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
