Too much gin, very little bucket
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
