Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
