someone get that fucking seahorse.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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