I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
