then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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