We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
