it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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