Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
