if i can run in heels then i can drive
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My vagina is officially offended.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
