my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
