we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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