I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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