Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
