I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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