I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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