He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
