Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
