I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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