The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
