I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
