I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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