worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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