Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
