I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He better not be in your backpack
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
