I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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