I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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