were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
