I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
