why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
