he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
