I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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