I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
