I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
