Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
