Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
NoShamevember. You game?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
