are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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