Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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