I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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