cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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