Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
