No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
