You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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