Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
