My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
