Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
