Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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