So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
where am i from again
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
