It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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