fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
