She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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