i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
