I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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